How does one write a funerary speech?

Letting your feelings speak and clearly conveying what you want to say. That is the goal of your funeral speech.

But how do you do that? Use the tips on this page and write a beautiful speech.
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Clear and emotional: a fine funeral speech

Tell your own story.

Take those present at the funeral into your memories. Make clear and tangible who the deceased was to you, and use the following tips for this.

  1. Structure your speech in 3 parts
  2. Choose a 'common thread' in advance
  3. Keep it close to yourself
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1. Write your funeral speech in 3 parts

A good funeral speech consists of 3 parts. All three parts require their own attention. These are the introduction, the middle part, and the conclusion.

When you start writing, don't start with the introduction. First, let the memories flow. These form the middle part.

Only at the end do you look at the beginning and the conclusion.

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1. Introduction

Here you tell what you are going to do in your speech. This puts the people who are listening to you in the 'listening mode'. Knowing what is coming gives peace.

2. Middle part

You share memories of the deceased, as you have come to know them. Perhaps you address the deceased.

3. Conclusion

Here you formulate the most important message of your speech again. You round off your story and name the future.

2. Choose a common thread

Because there is so much to tell, you sometimes don't know where to start. Or you just don't know what you could tell. In both cases, choosing a common thread helps.

Thanks to this focus, you can get started quickly in the short time you have. For example, you know which questions you can discuss with other relatives.

You also ensure a clear connection between the different things you are going to tell about the deceased with a common thread.

In short: choosing a common thread helps you write and makes your speech rock solid.

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Too complicated? Just write down what comes to mind first

You may be able to find that common thread in what you have written afterwards. Read through the possibilities below for inspiration. I'll just list a number of themes for you. Then I will discuss them one by one in detail.

I. Biography

Describe the life of the deceased based on their life course. That is more than just listing a series of years.

II. Life theme

Choose an important theme from the life of the deceased and tell the stories that are connected to it.

III. Relationship(s)

Your relationship to the deceased is central and you share what you have experienced with the deceased. Also pay attention to what the deceased meant to others.

IV. Text or poem

As a starting point, you take a text or a poem that fits, and you link stories about the life of the deceased to it.

V. Hobby or passion

If the life of the deceased was dominated by a great passion or hobby, that can provide a good common thread.

Discover your own theme

Is your common thread not included? Especially for you, I conclude with instructions on how to find your own theme.
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Common thread

1: Biography

You may think of this approach first when you think about a funeral speech. You walk through important moments in the life of the deceased in steps, and build your story about the deceased around them. For each step, I give questions that you can ask yourself, or that you can discuss with others.

If you want to say something at the funeral of a deceased child, or a younger person, in short someone who has not had much life behind them, then you zoom in more on the first steps. Because there is also much to tell about the pregnancy, the baby time or the toddler time from which the unique meaning of the deceased emerges.

Common thread

II: Life theme

About some lives you can say that they "were dominated by" something. That can be a struggle or a passion, a hobby or a relationship, an illness or a quest. In any case, such a life theme is about something that played an important, major role in the life of the deceased.

How the deceased dealt with such a theme often shows something of the values with which the deceased lived. Or gives an entry to speak about the character of the deceased. In this way, you pluck a common thread from the life of the deceased and use it as a 'metaphor', as an image to place next to life because there are similarities.

I will give you 3 examples to make clear what I mean.

The big theme in Gianno's life was caring. As a child, he already took care of injured animals and stood up for children who could not keep up with the class. It was therefore no surprise that after HAVO he went to study HBO-V, and rose to become head of the IC. But also outside of his work he was always there for everyone. Someone told how he helped her during a sudden move…

What does that life theme stand for?

As you can see in the examples above, you can also use the life theme as a 'metaphor'. A metaphor is a comparison: you choose an aspect of the life theme that is related to a characteristic of the deceased. Moving a lot is related to 'restlessness' in Annemieke's example. And a train fits in Zekaria's example with 'standing firmly on your own two feet' but you could just as easily use it for 'going on a trip'.

The advantage of using metaphors

By using a life theme as a metaphor, you bring coherence to your story in a visual way. The metaphor helps you to put events and characteristics of the deceased into a coherence. This gives you focus and gives your listeners a clear picture to remember.

The problem with metaphors – and the solution

A life theme has its limits. That is the idea of focus, of course: you concentrate on certain things, while you leave other things out. But suppose there is something that does not fit the picture, and yet absolutely must be in your story? There is a trick for that.

You can simply mention that something does not fit the theme, and still give it attention in that way. This even strengthens the theme and you can still be as complete as you want. I'll bring back the example of Zekaria above (you know, the one with the trains) to show what I mean.

… Zekaria himself thought that was important anyway, that you stayed firmly on the ground. That doesn't mean that Zekaria never let loose completely. When Zekaria danced, they lost all sense of time and place. You had to remind Zekaria to drink something in between every now and then.

This is how you discover the life theme

It may well be that, when you read this, a theme immediately comes to mind. Sometimes it is obvious, and prominently present in the conversations about the deceased and in your memory.

A metaphor can help you discover new things: "Hey, if I look at the life of the deceased through this lens, then I suddenly also see a connection with …"

It is often not difficult for a visual thinker to come up with a metaphor. But even if you are not a visual thinker: just try it, and see what happens when you try to connect the stories about the deceased with that image.

Common thread

III: Relationship(s)

The relationship you had with the deceased, and/or the relationships that others had with the deceased, are the starting point of this common thread.

If you choose this common thread, you achieve three things:

  1. Through your story and your description or emotions, those present can connect with the deceased. Because they recognize it, or because it evokes very different memories.
  2. The goal of a funeral and also of a funeral speech is to describe the deceased in such a way that you do justice to the deceased. No person is one-sided, and your personal memories are one of the perspectives that bring the versatility of the deceased to light.
  3. You can keep it to your own story, and don't need input from others.

Be aware that you are not objective. You speak about the deceased from yourself. And that's fine.

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Or go a step further than your personal relationship

Your relationship with the deceased is unique. You speak as a parent or as a partner, as a child or as a friend or family member. What was the deceased like as your child or as your partner? What was the deceased like as your parent, friend or family member?

Because you want to do justice to the deceased as they were during the funeral, it is important to show multiple perspectives. Your parent was your parent, but had more roles in life.

If you choose the common thread of the relationship, also invite others to speak about the deceased from their personal relationship. This way you come to a complete picture and there is a recognizable perspective for everyone present.

When you are the only one speaking, ask for input from others who had a different relationship with the deceased. If you are giving a speech at the funeral of your mother or your father, also ask brothers and sisters for their story and mention those stories in your speech.

Approach friends, family members, partner and possibly grandchildren and ask them: what was the deceased like as a partner, as a grandparent, as a friend or family member. And what do you remember most about the deceased? Include this in your story: you can safely mention who said what.

Do you address the deceased, or do you speak about the deceased?

A funeral, cremation or memorial service is a transition moment. You pause at the transition between 'living with the deceased among the living' and 'living with the deceased who is no longer there'.

Sometimes people therefore address the deceased in their story with 'you' and 'your'. Sometimes they use the 3rd person: which, depending on how the deceased wanted to be referred to, is 'he', 'she', or the more gender-neutral 'they'/'them'. Sometimes people in a funeral speech alternately speak to and about the deceased.

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Arguments for choosing the 2nd person (you)

  • It is sometimes easier to put your feelings into words by speaking to the deceased while writing
  • You show that it is your personal story, put yourself in a vulnerable position and can in that way touch others in their feelings about the deceased

Arguments for choosing the 3rd person (he/she/they)

  • You have a certain distance to the deceased, and speaking directly to the deceased at this moment evokes an intimacy that does not fit
  • You are afraid of becoming too emotional if you speak directly to the deceased
  • You feel that the deceased is really no longer there, sometimes despite the coffin with the body in front of you or next to you
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Common thread

IV: Text or poem

For those who love language and words, a text can be a wonderful common thread to work with in the speech during the funeral or cremation. This can be done in two ways.

  1. You write a poem because it helps you express your feelings within the framework of 'rhyme' or 'poetic form'
  2. You use an existing poem or text(quote) as a starting point to hang your stories about the deceased on
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1. Write a poem for the deceased yourself

Perhaps the words will flow from your pen or keyboard by themselves. If you don't really know where to start, you might find the following ideas helpful. You can combine them.

  • Describe how it feels that the deceased is no longer there
  • Describe your wish for the deceased, and/or for yourself: what do you hope for the future now?
  • Describe 1 day from your life with the deceased

2. Use an existing text or poem

Some people have a life motto that they often use. Perhaps the deceased has written poems, memoirs or a letter that you may use. But it may also be that you yourself know a poem or text that perfectly matches your memories of what the deceased was like.
Looking for a suitable poem? I have listed a number of comforting poems for you.
to comforting poems

Common thread

V: Hobby or passion

Sometimes a deceased person had a hobby or passion that played a major role in their life. That can be anything… a subject about which the deceased wanted to know everything, a collection, a sport, a sports club or a favorite series.

You can use this to give a nice insight into what the deceased was like. You can do this by telling memories that show the great significance of the hobby or passion, but also by describing why this particular passion or hobby played such a major role for the deceased.

Characteristic memories of the hobby

Telling how and when the deceased was engaged in the hobby or passion gives a wonderful insight into daily life. Perhaps the knitting always went on vacation and once got full of sand on the beach. Or all the children always had to be quiet when Wimbledon was on television, and the visit to the 'Center Court' in London was a highlight.

So ask yourself the question: what are the best examples of practicing the hobby or indulging in the passion from the life of the deceased? There is often something to laugh about.
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“Ajax was not spoken about at home, sorry that I mention that name now, Dad. For a born and raised Rotterdammer, the capital (wrongly capital of course) was a no-go. If Mom had been shopping in Amsterdam with her sisters, she could throw away the plastic bags immediately.”
“Your name is Van der Molen or not... from a young age Mies collected windmills. She received her first windmill from her grandmother when she turned 14. She still had it (photo). And later, when we went on vacation as children, we looked for cards or figurines or anything else in the shape of a windmill wherever we were. Until the very end she knew when she had received which windmill from whom.”

Why did this passion play a major role?

Sometimes a great passion or hobby says something about the character or important things in the life of the deceased. In your funeral speech, you use the hobby as an image for what the deceased was like.

'Fishing all afternoon' is a wonderful stepping stone to tell how silence and relaxation were desperately needed in the busy life of the deceased. 'Walking' goes hand in hand with love for nature, unwinding and taking a break.

So ask yourself the question: why was this passion or hobby important, and what does that say about the deceased?

“Anita really felt at ease in the garden. Anita knew the name of every plant and could enjoy all the little creatures crawling and flying around. I have sometimes wondered how that came about, and I think Anita had that from our father. He always pointed out everything we encountered during vacations. But Anita is the only one who has inherited his attentiveness.”
“Chess boy, my grandfather always said, you don't play chess on the board but in your head. That's where you make the moves. I always found that very difficult, to think ahead and imagine what the reaction would be if I put that pawn there, and how I could react to all those possible reactions again. Grandpa was masterful at that. He was always very good at thinking things over anyway. Then you would talk to him about a problem or a choice and he would always say: I'm going to play chess with that for a while. And after a while he would call you with the possible solutions so that you could choose the best one.”

Common thread

Discover your own theme with these 5 questions

Perhaps you already see a common thread in the list above that you can use. Is that not the case? Don't worry! A common thread usually comes naturally when you talk to others and share memories. Often there is something that always comes up when people remember the deceased: then you have your starting point.

Ask these 5 questions:

  1. How long have you lived with the deceased in your life?
  2. What was an important characteristic of the deceased?
  3. At what moments did you see that characteristic, and what happened then?
  4. What did that do to you then?
  5. How do you look at it now?

Why these 5 questions in particular?

I will explain why I came up with these questions. It works like this: the answers provide you with a small, complete story that you can usually just take over directly.

The 1st question is a 'stepping stone' and activates 'looking back on my relationship with the deceased'.
Questions 2 and 3 steer in the direction of a focal point: the character/characteristics of the deceased.
The 4th question maps the effect of that characteristic of the deceased on others.
The 5th question connects the mentioned characteristic and the feeling again with the here and now.

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Keep it close to yourself

Your farewell speech is not the same as a biography of the deceased. A list of facts is usually boring and doesn't really say much. You are the one giving the funeral speech, and that is important. Because you tell the things that you think are important to tell. You are allowed to do that, it is your right, and if you do it honestly you will also do justice to the deceased.

It is your snapshot

Therefore, keep what you tell close to yourself. You don't have to speak the absolute truth, as if you would know it. You don't have to have the last word, because the stories will continue even after the funeral. Your speech is a snapshot, your snapshot, of what you can and want to say at that moment.

Others watch and feel with you

If you realize that it is a personal story (even if you are telling facts), and give yourself permission to let it be personal, you give the listeners a great gift. You let them watch and feel with you, and in that way they look at the deceased with different eyes. Maybe they have nothing to do with it and discover that they have a very different picture, that's okay too, nice discovery, right?

The beginning and the end of your funeral speech

You still owed me this one! How do you start your funeral speech and how do you round it off? I have already written about the important middle part. That is the most important part, that is what you start with first. Once you have that part in order, look at the introduction and the conclusion.
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Introduction

How do you start a funeral speech?

The introduction of your speech is a way to take your listeners in the direction of what you are going to tell. A very clear way to do that is the following:

  • you tell who you are
  • you briefly indicate what you are going to tell
  • and why

For example:

“My name is Luuk Kramer, I am one of Koen's friends. I want to tell you something about how I got to know Koen, and especially about his great love for the old Dutch cattle breeds. I think that says a lot about what Koen stood for and what he could be very passionate about. Something that I will certainly continue to remember him for.”

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In the conclusion of your speech, you summarize what you have said before. You can also refer back to what you formulated in the introduction as the goal of your speech. By telling what you have told, you summarize it again and it stays with you better. You put a bow around your speech, as it were, and give it as a package to the memory of the people who have listened to you.

For example:

"When I started my speech, I said that I hoped to get through it without tears. That didn't work. But what I wanted to make clear is how important her work at school has been for Amélie. She was a teacher at heart. Strict but fair, gentle and loyal. Thank you for who you were, Amélie. I will miss you."

Everyone deserves a good funeral speech

With the three extensive tips and examples you will be able to write your speech. You can also use them if you are writing a speech for your grandma or grandpa.

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You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
C.S. Lewis