A funerary speech for a strained relationship with your parent

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A death sometimes brings intense feelings to the surface. Especially when it concerns one of your parents with whom the relationship was not good. Yet you may want to speak at the funeral or cremation. You may have the following reasons for this:
  • you think it's the right thing to do
  • someone has asked you
  • you want to let the truth be heard

But what should you say? While not concealing the truth, you also don't want to cause pain. You want to let your memories be heard, without suppressing or spoiling the memories of others.

You will receive 7 clear tips with examples from me. First, I will briefly explain why you should carefully choose your words.

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Why you should carefully choose your words

The relationship with your mother or father was not good, and yet you want to give a eulogy. You are somewhat cautious because the strained contact has already caused enough damage.

It is wise to consider this for two reasons:

  1. The deceased cannot say anything back and cannot defend themselves (however pleasant), but also cannot apologize.
  2. Other attendees may have had a different relationship with your deceased father or mother. You don't want to hurt them in their memories. Think, for example, of grandchildren who had a nice grandpa or grandma in your parent.

But you don't have to conceal the truth. You may have already done that for a very long time. By speaking out at the funeral, you can sometimes begin to process.

With the following tips, you express yourself clearly, while the chance of damage remains limited for yourself and others.

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Tip 1: Tell it from yourself

Make it clear that it is your own story and your own perspective. You create space for that, and you also take other perspectives into account. You can already do that with the introduction of your speech.

Introduce your funeral speech like this:

Short way
'The memories I share with you are my own. Others may have other memories that I do not want to detract from.'

Long way
'When you grow up with more children in a family, all those children have different memories again. Because they have experienced their parents in other times of their lives. Because their character connected better or less well, they felt better or less well understood. Others have their own perspective, but this is how I experienced my youth.'

Tip 2: Don't tell it (too) literally

If bad things have happened, you can name them literally. But you can also touch on them in 'veiled terms' or in a way that is intended 'for those in the know'.

After all, the deceased can no longer say anything back, cannot stand up for themselves, and cannot offer apologies.

Moreover, your speech is not a public therapy session for you. The other guests do not need to be exposed to all the information.

So, if you choose less explicit descriptions, you create a distance in your funeral speech that is safe. For you and for your audience. Where you still don't have to conceal anything from the truth.

In your eulogy, you do that, for example, like this:

My name is Jeanne, and I am Karel's daughter. He is my father, but I prefer to talk about him as my procreator. Because where a father treats his daughters with care and responsibility, that was not possible for Karel. For him, only one person seemed important in our family, and that was himself, with his needs and wishes. That has been very difficult for us as sisters, and I think also for my brother. What Karel meant to others outside the home has been a lot, I know that. But it seemed good to me to say that he may have given a lot outside the home, but in the meantime, he asked a lot, too much, from us as his children.

Tip 3: Express your own contribution (if there was one)

This sounds dangerous, I realize that. When it comes to your father or mother, and about problems that played when you were young, you sometimes have to deal with a loyalty conflict. As a child, you simply look for the cause of what you lack in love in yourself. As if it's up to you. Well: not so, you have no responsibility for what you have lacked as a child. You have no share in that and do not have to be loyal to your parents.

I am talking here about other conflicts, conflicts that arose when you were already an adult. What was your contribution to that? Do you know what you could have done differently from your side? Do you believe there is something you might have been able to handle differently? Mention that in your funeral speech.

By expressing the idea in your speech that you also had a share in the conflict, or at least mentioning that possibility (even if you cannot come up with an example), you, as it were, leave room open for the side of the deceased, and you keep the door open to those present with positive memories of the deceased. After all, you must continue with your life after this, and it is nice if no fractures arise during the funeral.

How can you express your own contribution in your speech? Read this example.

My mother was not an easy woman. As a child, you need hugs, a listening ear, but you didn't get that from our mother. I always remember our mother busy, or tired, or talking to others. Fortunately, there were aunts and mothers of friends, and of course grandma to get some caring attention from time to time. At the same time, I didn't make it easy for her as a daughter later on. The rare moments that she seemed to pay attention to me, I withdrew again. It's a shame, no, it hurts that we never had a warm bond. I missed you, Mom. And now I will continue to miss you.
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Tip 4: Respect the conviction of the deceased

Maybe the deceased was religious and you weren't. That may have caused a lot of distance, especially if the life conviction of your father or mother was accompanied by judgments towards you. If someone doesn't think you're a good person based on their own convictions, while you think you're fine, you don't feel appreciated for who you are.

Lack of appreciation may also have come because the deceased disapproved of the way you organized your life. Maybe the deceased thought it was a shame that you didn't get or finish a certain education, or chose a different life fulfillment. If one of your parents is 'disappointed', that is often painful. In any case, it gives distance.

You can mention this while respecting the (life) conviction of the deceased. Just by mentioning it as a difference between you.

You tell that as in this example:

Mom, you were religious in a way that was very important to you. Faith was your anchor and your support. It gave structure to your day, and through the church, you had all kinds of friends. I hadn't believed for a very long time. You found that difficult. You 'wished it so much for me' you said. And you struggled with the idea that I wouldn't go to heaven. Thank you for thinking of me in your prayer every night: I see that as a sign of caring. No heaven for me after this, and no hell either, by the way, but I heartily grant you that heaven.

Tip 5: Ask someone to read your funeral speech

Always a golden tip: ask someone to read your speech, especially if the relationship was problematic. Preferably someone who knows you or your story well, whose opinion you trust. Let it be someone who is able to read along wisely and also give criticism.

"Can this be done like this?" you ask. The other person can help you find other words on some points. Perhaps to express yourself more sharply, or precisely because you are going too far in some way.

The certainty that someone you trust has read your story makes you start your speech a little less nervous. You have prepared well.

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Tip 6: Read your funeral speech aloud

Practice your speech in advance. Reading aloud a number of times helps. You can do that on your own, and also with someone you trust.

Practicing aloud has a few advantages. You notice if it runs smoothly and you get support. Do you stumble over certain words or sentences? Adjust them!

When you read aloud, you can immediately time your speech. It is good to know in advance how long it lasts.

I wrote a handy tutorial about the length of your speech:

How long does my speech last?

Perhaps the most important reason to practice aloud: hearing is feeling. When you hear yourself speak the words, they come into your feeling. Suddenly it becomes "real". This helps you to control your feelings a bit during the cremation or ceremony and still show them.

Read aloud anonymously
Are you looking for someone to read your speech to anonymously? Then think of the Listening Line. There you get someone on the phone 24/7 who wants to listen to you.

Tip 7: Have someone stand next to you

Do you find it difficult to give your funeral speech? Are you afraid that you will fall silent, have to cry, not be able to get your words out? Then ask someone to go forward with you and stand by you. A hand in yours, on your back or your shoulder can give you some extra courage. You can also ask that other person to speak your words for you, to take it over from you if you can't go any further.
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Conclusion:

speaking with a strained relationship with father or mother

Giving a eulogy for your father or mother is extra exciting if the relationship was not good. You don't want to do violence to yourself for the sake of peace and quiet, and at the same time not damage the memories of others.

With the tips you received above, you have ways in hand to give a speech that you can look back on with satisfaction.

I wish you strength. If I can do anything for you, please contact me.

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More tips for writing a speech?

You will find an extensive online manual for writing your own funeral speech here (click).