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Family row at a funeral
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You can choose your friends, but you are given your family members as a gift. Sometimes you would rather exchange that gift for another... especially if there is a family argument. And especially around a cremation or burial. After all, everyone is walking around with raw nerves, hypersensitive and with a short fuse.
Yet you want to make it a dignified farewell ceremony. You may even want to give a speech.
How can you be optimally honest in your speech without stepping on other people's toes? And how do you make sure you keep your own feelings in check so that the situation does not escalate? Take advantage of the tips below.
Did your father or mother die and did you have a bad relationship? Get tips here on how to give a speech anyway.
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Tip 1: A funeral speech is not a settling of scores
You have your opinion about what others have done or failed to do. How they hurt you or the deceased, for example. It makes you angry and that anger wants to come out.
Being properly angry is difficult. Something has been damaged and it hurts, but you don't want to cause even more damage from your anger. Because a burial or cremation is not the right place to settle accounts or fight out a family argument.
- The deceased cannot participate in the conversation
You don't know what the deceased would think now. - Everyone is at their most vulnerable now
Pain that you cause around a funeral is deeply damaging and often irreversible. - You unwillingly make other guests part of the argument
The good memories that some guests have of the deceased come under pressure.
I will show you how to speak your truth, but without increasing the damage. Then I will give tips on how to deal with your feelings.
Tip 2: Stick to yourself, respect the difference
You have every right to share your memories. But realize that they are your memories. Others may have different ones, even of the same person.
For example, it is very normal for memories of a father or mother, a brother or sister to differ from person to person within one family. You are all born with a different character. And at a different time in the lives of your parents and your brothers and sisters. That causes different experiences.
If a traumatic event took place in your family of origin, and everyone dealt with it in their own way, that can also cause major mutual differences and distance.
So your memories are true. But so are those of other family members. Respect those differences by making it clear that you are sharing your memories.
For example, it is very normal for memories of a father or mother, a brother or sister to differ from person to person within one family. You are all born with a different character. And at a different time in the lives of your parents and your brothers and sisters. That causes different experiences.
If a traumatic event took place in your family of origin, and everyone dealt with it in their own way, that can also cause major mutual differences and distance.
So your memories are true. But so are those of other family members. Respect those differences by making it clear that you are sharing your memories.
You can do that, for example, like this:
I know that my brothers and sisters remember our mother in their own way. Some memories are the same, other things we experienced very differently. For one of us, mother was very available, while for the other she always remained distant. I experienced Mom as very caring, and I remember, for example, her interest when I came home from school…
Tip 3: Do the '20 years later' exercise
Although this is a difficult exercise if you are in the middle of the stress in the days before the funeral, it can still be valuable.
At the moment, you may not care about peace and quiet. You are angry at the pain that another family member has caused. But try to imagine what you will think back on in 20 years.
20 years is a long time. Imagine that the intense feelings you have now have subsided, you are even older and wiser than you are now. How would you like to look back on yourself? What would make you proud?
If the answer has something to do with 'mature', 'in control', 'dignified and respectful', you can adopt that attitude during the funeral and the preparations. You don't do that for the other person, but for your own good feeling about yourself.
If you are going to give your funeral speech from that feeling, how do you do that?
At the moment, you may not care about peace and quiet. You are angry at the pain that another family member has caused. But try to imagine what you will think back on in 20 years.
20 years is a long time. Imagine that the intense feelings you have now have subsided, you are even older and wiser than you are now. How would you like to look back on yourself? What would make you proud?
If the answer has something to do with 'mature', 'in control', 'dignified and respectful', you can adopt that attitude during the funeral and the preparations. You don't do that for the other person, but for your own good feeling about yourself.
If you are going to give your funeral speech from that feeling, how do you do that?
Tip 4: What do you do if you get triggered?
The people closest to you can hurt you the most. Flawlessly, often even unconsciously, they know how to find your vulnerable spot and hit you mercilessly. That's how it's always been.
How do you react when you get triggered? Do you get angry, freeze or burst into tears?
Although it is extremely difficult to change old patterns, and certainly in the vulnerable days around a funeral, you could resolve to react differently than usual for once.
As soon as you feel the tension rising, in the direction of that trigger, you could shout stop very loudly. Take a break and distance yourself where you would normally get angry. Name what is happening to you, that someone is hurting you, that you don't want that. Sometimes that helps.
That is why it is so good if you have someone by your side. Someone who does not interfere in the conversations, does not stand up for you, but reminds you in time of what you wanted to say and do. Before you slip into the trap of the old pattern.
Tip 5: Someone by your side whom you trust
If you dread the meetings, ask a wise friend to go with you to preparation meetings for the burial or cremation. They only have one task: to help you stay upright in the way you want.
If you have a partner, they can also fulfill this role. But only if your partner is not part of the argument in the family themselves.
This friend or partner can also read your funeral speech in advance. To check whether your story is clear enough, whether you are telling the truth enough and not crossing the boundaries of others.
When you succeed in being honest without hurting others, a great connecting power emanates from that.
Tip 6: Talk about your tension
It is extremely important that you are not exhausted from the stress on the day of the funeral. It can therefore help to talk everything off your chest in the run-up to the burial or cremation.
You may be able to do that with someone in your area. Sometimes the funeral director knows a coach or therapist you can turn to. An initiative that I am a fan of is the Listening Line. 24/7 you get someone on the phone where you can just anonymously tell everything. You don't have to do anything, and it costs nothing.
You may be able to do that with someone in your area. Sometimes the funeral director knows a coach or therapist you can turn to. An initiative that I am a fan of is the Listening Line. 24/7 you get someone on the phone where you can just anonymously tell everything. You don't have to do anything, and it costs nothing.
Tip 7: Consult with the funeral director
The entrepreneur you have hired to help organize the funeral has undoubtedly dealt with conflicts more often.
Ask her/him to act in such a way that all family members feel heard and feel that they are making choices together.
Let the funeral director draw up clear rules, for example that you do not go back on agreements that you have explicitly agreed to.
Ask her/him to act in such a way that all family members feel heard and feel that they are making choices together.
Let the funeral director draw up clear rules, for example that you do not go back on agreements that you have explicitly agreed to.
Tip 8: Ask for a ritual facilitator
You can hire a ritual facilitator for the substantive design of the funeral ceremony. They can talk to the family members together, or separately, about their contribution to the ceremony.
In this way, the ritual facilitator is also a process facilitator and ensures that not only a funeral is created in which everyone can participate as much as possible (everyone has the right to a good farewell), but also that the road to it proceeds without escalations.
In this way, the ritual facilitator is also a process facilitator and ensures that not only a funeral is created in which everyone can participate as much as possible (everyone has the right to a good farewell), but also that the road to it proceeds without escalations.
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Conclusion: a funeral to look back on with satisfaction
With the tips you have received, hopefully you will be able to shape the funeral in such a way that you too can look back on it with a good feeling. Despite arguments or disturbed relationships with family members.
You can compliment yourself if you have even managed to give a speech, without doing violence to yourself and without further escalating a possible argument.
By respecting differences, preventing yourself from being triggered, and enlisting help to maintain peace and connection, you can make it a dignified farewell despite everything.
